blue moon
freedom
yesterday
my posture: outstretched neck extended to the blue.
God is pulling me up, rigid energy built up in my spine crumbles to my sides. i’m asking for his perspective.
I close my eyes. deep breath in, sigh out.
i look down.
everyone else’s window is closed today.
I opened my bedroom window and crawled onto the roof with my boyfriend. he’s writing in his journal and i’m sitting in the light.
I look at him and I see someone i’ve never seen before. i’ve known him for over a decade but in the last month our conversations have taken us to places I didn’t know existed within either of us. earlier in the month I was driving us back from the beach “I feel like we’re still getting to know each other” “me too” later on he said something about how beautiful I looked in motion when I said that.
now, I am laying so still on the roof. I think “if I lay here with as little movement as possible, something will happen” when I was a kid I used to lay on the asphalt because I claimed it was healing me. I encouraged others to follow suit but my arguments were unconvincing.
I am letting the light in. my posture is acceptance. I am at the dentist posing patiently for a procedure. I am remembering to breathe.
I look at myself in the reflection of my window and it is someone i’ve never seen before. “I feel like we’re still getting to know each other”
-
am I the only one in this city with my window open? what is everyone hiding (from)? I bet there’s something you find disturbing or shameful behind that glass but I know it is nothing that can’t be set free. you have to know there is freedom. it is time to be seen. you have to know this moment is leaving and will never come back. are you okay if I open up the blinds? please I am begging you to let the light in.
I am basking in freedom on the roof, sitting in the sun feeling like the epitome of beauty and health (I say this specifically because one time a beautiful old man yelled this at me while I was on a walk very early on in covid, I think I must have been one of the first people he had seen in weeks. but, I still chose to accept this as who I am)
but, if I am to be completely honest I do wonder if I am feeling this free because I know there isn’t a gaze on me. I wonder what I would feel if I saw your window open. maybe I would be afraid. maybe I would assume you are judging me, and cast judgement on you for judging me. “it’s so crazy that you would judge me for being so free. what is wrong with you?”
all of this: valuable for me to work through.
my desire remains, I still want you to be free.
-
yesterday my boyfriend and I sat here and talked about his existential nature, in the past it worried me. if he has questions about everything that means he has questions about me, too. but now i am learning to love the questions and ask them myself. I love where this is leading me.
-
i look back up at the big blue sky and this time when i look back down in my mind i am parallel to the border of mexico driving a windy road with someone I used to know.
“if everything went exactly how you wanted it to go, what would your life look like”
“I don’t know, life doesn’t work that way”
“I feel like you do know and you’re just not telling me. you know you could tell me anything. what are your dreams?”
“nothing is coming to mind”
“can I share what my dream is?
“sure”
“I want to make music and be an artist”
“nice”
“if you could create a city and it could be the perfect place for you to live, what would it be like”
“I don’t know”
“I think it would be cool to have a city that creates more opportunities for people to connect and create. I think that the parks should all have trampolines and instruments. I would love to see hills. on one of the hills there should be a beautiful green field where people play soccer that overlooks the ocean and the mothers with their babies can have so much fun at the playground because it is for both kids and adults. I think families should make music together. oh and there has to be some places where you feel like you’re in the middle of nowhere so you don’t feel claustrophobic and other places where you are connected to your community. I don’t know, I should think about it more though.”
“how much longer until we’re there?”
“2 hours and 8 minutes”
I look at the blue sky and I think “how could it get any better than this? it feels so nice to be free”
-
I open my eyes on the roof and I consider the limitations in my perspective. after thinking about how foolish I used to be I realize that there was actually a freedom I was experiencing. I wonder if the limitations in my perspective provided a liberty that I cannot currently access. it feels like knowledge can take away. this is probably a limited perspective.
my next thought “a lot of times I feel like when people miss something or someone it is because of how it made them feel and not because they actually miss it. feelings exist within you anyways so you must know they will return in some other expression if you allow it.” I don’t know if this is a good or useful thought. but I think about thinking about it more, sometime.
-
later that day I host a full moon gathering at my house. this moon is a blue moon. I turn all of the lights in my house blue and stack all of my blue books on the table.
I encourage people to journal and write a poem.
pulled in by blue
addressing: resentments
blue sky, pick me up
a posture I hold gives way for hope
grace, and a strengthened knowing
more sure now, and maybe only now
but weighty and holding it for the uncertainties to come
assurance for all of them
all of them
give me, untethered
understand my depth
ring me out, blue
freedom freedom freedom
-
today
I went to yoga. it’s been a while. i’m reminded of the importance of posture. of intentional movements.
there are no windows in this room but there is a group of people holding a posture of acceptance towards the sky and I think “there is so much light here”
I don’t even consider how I look or how others look. I embrace this secret feeling.
“today we are going to explore freedom.
breathe in freedom
breathe out fear”